Cacophonic Capriccio
by Ten-Faced
Summary: "I hate you, you hate me, we're not really a family (except the ones that are). With a winged pet snake and traitors galore, let's all go and kill some more." Commanders-centric. Story Collection, not in any chronological order. Both Pre- and Post-Curse of the Black Mage.
1. Hot Summer

1. Hot Summer.

Song of the Chapter: 'Hot Summer' by Rhys.

Timeline: Pre-curse.

Summary: Take one Hilla hungry for eye candy, three well-toned male commanders of the Black Mage and an extremely hot city. Mix. Add heroes. Sit back and enjoy.

Main Characters: Demon Slayer, Magnus, Von Leon, Hilla.

Crack Scale: Seven.

* * *

Azwan. The once-populous city called the flower of the Nihal Desert that had been the hubbub of activity and trade was now only populated by a traitorous shaman and the ghosts of those who had once breathed and lived and loved within its walls.

It was a beautiful place, and could have been a very nice tourist trap if not for the whole 'under-Black-Mage-rule' thing going on in there. Unfortunately, since it happened to be smack dab in the middle of the desert, it was also very hot.

Several of the Commanders were just beginning to realize this.

"Why," growled Magnus, wiping away sweat from his face for the hundredth time, "are we meeting in fucking _Azwan_ of all places?"

Von Leon didn't even seem capable of answering – the lion king was currently in a state of limbo, extremely unused to and unprepared for the heat that was the opposite of his usual cold environment.

The Demon Slayer glanced at the king, limply drawn across the chair, before answering the dragon man. "Because Hilla requested our help."

Magnus took a deep breath. Then, he punched a hole in the wall.

"Are you guys here, too?" Orchid bounced into the room, completely unfazed by the extreme heat. "Wow, what happened here?"

No one bothered answering her because no one really took Orchid seriously even when they weren't dying of a heat stroke.

"Hmph," she turned on her heels. "I'm going to go play with Lotus."

And then, "Oh, hi Hilla."

The Demon Slayer watched, sitting next to the near-unconscious Von Leon, as Magnus grabbed his sword and launched himself with a roar at the redhead, who only ducked to dodge the slow blow. "Too hot for you gentlemen?" she chuckled.

Von Leon let out something that sounded more like a whine than an actual growl.

"You know, you could just take off your clothes."

The statement shocked Von Leon into actually fully opening his eyes. "What?" he said weakly.

Hilla gestured at his long, fur-lined coat impatiently. "Look at what you're wearing! Who wears a long-sleeved coat in _Azwan_? Besides," she added, her gold eyes twinkling, "you go around half-naked in El Nath all the time. It shouldn't be a big deal for you."

Everyone could see the king from the cold land struggle internally before the logic and the thought of shedding some heat won. Slowly, he removed his coat.

And sighed as the breeze began to actually reach his skin. "That _is_ better," he admitted.

"See?" then, with a raised eyebrow, Hilla turned to the other two men in the room.

The Demon Slayer was the first to realize the meaning her eyebrow held. "Oh, no," he protested weakly, raising his hands in front of him. He would have wrapped the black velvet coat even tighter around himself, but that would have trapped even more heat near his body. The last thing he wanted was to be baked to death in a stuffy parlour in the desert.

"What?" Magnus looked back and forth between the two several times before he finally got it. "Oh, _hell_ no."

"So you're just going to die of heat stroke?"

Well . . . .

The Demon Slayer exchanged looks with Magnus. It was _really_ hot here . . . .

"Well, if you want to fight with the heroes in _that_ state," Hilla huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, "don't complain when you lose."

Fight? In this heat? With all their heavy, black, heat-absorbing clothes on?

The thought was downright terrifying. The clothes and armour came off.

* * *

Back in the Temple of Time where the chill _encouraged_ clothes to stay on one's body, Arkarium was sitting in his office drinking black tea and reading reports as thunder echoed in the background when Nagini hissed softly in his ear, warning him of someone approaching.

Moments later, the door opened and Guwaru entered. "Where are the others?" the spirit asked.

Arkarium didn't look up from his favourite teacup with the pansy patterns. Was that a crack that was beginning to form between the yellow and the blue pansy? He'd have to kill the new dishwasher slave they'd captured from Leafre for being careless with his favourite teacup. "Out in Azwan, assisting Hilla."

"Oh," the tree-thing that was Guwaru frowned. "But why are we not there?"

"Hilla specifically requested that we weren't part of the backup."

"Why?"

Arkarium set the teacup down in the matching saucer. "Because she said she wanted to enjoy the view, not ruin it."

"Huh?"

The dark Pontiac shrugged. "Yeah, I didn't get it either."

* * *

When the heroes came to face the gathering of the commanders in Azwan, they were met with a shocking sight.

Their enemies were half-naked.

It wasn't a surprise to see Hilla – more skin than black cloth was her usual dress code – but it was definitely surprising to see Von Leon in _human_ form _without_ his fur-lined coat, or Magnus without his black armour, or the Demon Slayer bare-chested. All three revealing skin was definitely . . . .

Well, the word for it was nonexistent, but it struck both Luminous and Phantom speechless.

"Er . . ." said Freud, somewhat more intelligent than his fellow heroes. Which, right now in the heat, was not by much.

"It's too hot for that bullshit!" snapped Magnus defensively, brandishing his oversized sword threateningly. Hilla beamed when his muscles, glistening with sweat, flexed.

The heroes were faced with a dilemma. Or, more specifically, Aran and Mercedes were.

Aran's tanned face was beet-red, tugging at the fur cloak she refused to shed out of stubbornness and fidgeting with the bandages wrapped around Maha. Mercedes pointedly stared at the bow guns in her hands with a heavy blush dusting her pale cheeks, refusing to raise her head to see the three half-naked and very, very well-toned commanders.

Somewhere within the castle, Orchid was leaning on Lotus for support as she laughed.

Freud rubbed his chin and patted Afrien's paw out of habit, ignoring the searing burn that came with the direct contact with the black scales. This would be a very awkward fight if two of their allies couldn't even look at the enemy properly. To make it worse the sun was directly above their heads, and the heat steadily rising.

"Well," he sighed, "I suppose we'll just have to make do."

After one very half-hearted battle where Hilla (and secretly, Aran and Mercedes) got her fill of eye candy for the month, both sides decided to agree with Magnus's previous words; it was just too hot for this bullshit.

Giving up on the Nihal Desert for now, the heroes hastily retreated to the air-conditioned bless of the Lumiere while the commanders retired into the palace of Azwan, deliberately walking through ghosts to get that bone-chilling feel. "Never again," growled Von Leon as he collapsed into the chair. "I will never leave El Nath for a hot place."

"Oh, come on," Hilla smiled, "it wasn't all that bad, was it?"

Her smile grew positively wicked when all three half-naked men glared daggers at her.


	2. Comical Dreams

2. Comical Dreams

Song of the Chapter: 'Mrs. Pumpkin's Comical Dream' by Hatsune Miku.

Timeline: Post-curse.

Summary: Magnus didn't want to go back to working with his old coworkers - the Commanders of the Black Mage. The old ones were stupid and he doubted that the new ones were any better. His replacement does her best to . . . _convince_ him otherwise.

Main Characters: Magnus, Hilla, Dream Manipulator.

Crack Scale: Eight/Nine.

* * *

_Sunday_

Magnus knew he was a Nova of many things. The killer of Kaiser No. 137-or-something-like-that, the Strongest Nova Ever, the Tyrant of Heliseum, the Betrayer, the Commander of Destruction, the Right-Hand Man of Prince Gerald Darmoor, the handsomest man ever born in both Grandis and the Maple World . . . .

The list was endless, and Magnus just didn't have time to waste on such trivial matters like making lists. That was what nerds like Treglow or hired help like Velderoth did.

He wished he had that list right now. It might have been nice to throw in the red witch's face. "You want to what?" he repeated while wishing that Darmoor did not respect the rules of automatic immunity for those who wished to negotiate. But no, it was all, "Magnus, go out there and pretend to fight the forces of the Black Mage to throw the Alliance off our true purposes," or "Magnus, go say hi and play nice with the guests even though you hate their guts just as much as they hate your guts because you're the only one who actually knows them."

Yes, he knew them. Batboy, Tree-Thing, Old Man, Lion King, Creepy Twins and Hag. About three of them had abandoned ship after he did, if sources were correct, and he still didn't like any of them.

The negotiator was, unfortunately, the Hag. Who hated him very much because he was a traitor. Hypocritical of her to hate traitors since she herself was one, but that was a woman for you.

She raised an eyebrow. "Trade," she said. "T – R – A – D – E. Trade. To exchange something. Here's an example. Let's say I have five apples. You remember what apples are, Magnus? So, I have five apples, and you have-"

"I know what it means!"

"Oh really?" she smiled, faking sweetness and Magnus found himself wanting to punch her makeup caked face in. Her deal with the Black Mage must have still held, because she looked exactly the same as she had back when he had been a commander. Shame. "I didn't think you knew what such _big_ words meant."

"Woman, do you know who I am?" he snapped. "I am Magnus, the Slayer of Kaiser, the Strongest Nova, the Commander of Destruction, the Tyrant of Heliseum-"

"Wasn't Heliseum retaken by the Nova, led by the Kaiser?" Hilla interrupted with a twinkle in her eye. "I believe you yourself had been defeated in battle by . . . a pink-haired girl in a flimsy dress."

With a roar, Magnus grabbed Kaiserium and swung it, fully intending on causing the woman grievous pain when someone behind him coughed. Reluctantly, he set it down with a scowl.

Hilla beamed. "Wonderful. So it's settled, then," she clapped her hands together like she looked forward to having him on the team again. "One of us will stay in Grandis and work under Transcendent Darmoor-"

"_Prince_ Darmoor," the cougher corrected from somewhere in the shadows.

"Pardon," Hilla nodded. "Work under _Prince_ Darmoor while Magnus returns and takes up his work as a Commander once again."

He cracked his knuckles. The worst thing about it all was that Darmoor actually agreed to this all, that damned life-obsessed hippy. He actually _liked_ the idea of working with the Transcendent from way yonder after being told that their two worlds were colliding and that they had pretty similar goals in mind.

Never mind the fact that Darmoor had sent him to spy on the Black Mage decades – or, in Maple Time, centuries – ago.

Of course, he had no say in this. "So who's gonna be my replacement?" he asked, curious. "Batboy's brother? Half-man? Lion King? Or," he grinned, "will it be you? Punishment for losing Azwan?"

To her credit, Hilla didn't hex him. "You'll be _replaced_," she hissed at him, "with the same person who replaced you all those centuries ago."

"Hag," he muttered. "So who? Is this guy stronger than me or something?"

Her poisonous smile widened. "You could say that."

* * *

_Still Sunday _

The Nova had many sayings. Many, no, _most_ of them were shitty things that could easily be replaced with some of his own very wise, useful and philosophical words. For example, that thing about teaching dragons how to hunt so they could feed themselves. His preferred words were 'make that dragon your slave and never ever worry about security issues ever again.'

Right now he was thinking of the one about appearances. Something about not judging a mushroom by its colour.

His simple solution was to not eat the mushroom because seriously, those things tasted like crap.

And in this situation, he didn't see why the philosophy didn't follow. He wouldn't eat any mushrooms, and he certainly wouldn't be replaced by this . . . this . . . .

"What," he said flatly, staring at the girl with black hair, who looked like she was staring back at him somewhere behind all that tangled dark hair hiding her eyes.

"Meet your replacement," Hilla was holding back laughter, and failing. "Say hello to the Dream Manipulator. I'm sure she has a name, but she prefers that title."

"Did you choose her as my replacement based on hair colour or something?" he demanded. "There's no way a weakling like this could be stronger than me. And I'll prove it."

He took out his sword and began to advance towards the girl, who didn't react. Brave, but the Kaiserium had fed off the blood of a thousand of the 'brave' ones who hadn't had the sense to run when they saw him.

Just as he was about to swing the sword and chop the kid's neck off, a sound stopped him. That sound was impossible. Well, it should have been an impossible sound around him, especially when he had his sword out and had his truly terrifying, battle-crazy face on.

And yet it was unmistakeable – the sound of a snore.

He stared at the girl in disbelief. Was she _sleeping_? In the face of the all-so-obvious danger? In front of _him_? And on her feet, too.

Hilla took advantage of his pause. "Tell you what," she said. "If she makes you admit defeat in, say, a week, we'll get someone else to trade with you. But if she wins, then you do whatever I tell you to do."

"Done," he said.

* * *

_Monday_

The girl didn't cast spells. She had no bows – thank Darmoor, the elf queen and those archers that constantly came over were annoying enough – and carried no knives or swords or even a gun, one of those new inventions from the Maple World.

In fact, all she really had was the clothes on her back.

Convinced after a day of warily keeping an eye out for her, he fell asleep in his bed hugging his Angelic Buster stuffie.

Then the stuffie came to life. "I am Angelic Buster!" the animated doll declared. Unfortunately, while it had gained life, it had not gained the size or the proportions of the actual idol of the battlefield.

The thing was actually like one of those 'pets' those people in the Maple World were always lugging around with them. Shortly before leaving Heliseum, the Kaiser had picked one of those annoying creatures up and managed to take down Velderoth and Treglow with the sheer power of miniaturized cuteness.

"Uh-huh," he said, and grabbed Kaiserium.

Only, it wasn't Kaiserium anymore. It was Nagini, that damned winged snake of Arkarium's. Hissing, the thing bit him on the shoulder. He slapped it, and turned to find that the stuffie was growing. While he liked his women to have big assets, he didn't appreciate them obese. His once cute and comforting stuffie was now the size and rough shape of one of Treglow's creations, which was not a cute shape. "I am Angelic Buster!" the stuffie shrieked in a voice like nails down a chalkboard. "And I will defeat you in the name of-"

"Yeah, yeah," he said, shoving aside the doll and getting back under his warm covers so he could go to sleep. The stuffie had an annoying voice, but he could ignore that and sleep.

Or so he figured, until the stuffie sat on his face. "Mmph!" he screamed, but it was muffled by the round backside of the stuffie. Somewhere between thrashing and trying to breath, he thanked some deity out there for the fact that it had no distinguishable parts under the pink skirt.

But damn, this thing was heavy. "I will defeat you!" the stuffie, still growing bigger, declared in an even more annoying voice.

"Get off me!"

* * *

_Tuesday_

Somewhere along being smothered to death by a growing stuffie's butt he must have fallen asleep, because he woke up to the sounds of Hilla singing. Which wasn't half bad, because hag or not she still had a great voice, except it was a song about how to properly butcher a Nova to offer as a sacrifice to the Azwan gods.

He knew she had made it up to annoy him because first, when Azwan had fallen at her hands there hadn't been a Nova in the Maple World and second, she specifically named him in the song.

And so it made him suspicious when she came with a tray filled with decent-looking breakfast. "Had a good night's sleep?" she asked innocently.

"No," he snarled.

"Oh, poor baby," she batted her eyelashes and handed him a mug of green steaming water. "Here, have some tea – it'll help you get some sleep during the day."

He trusted the woman as far as Treglow could throw one of his rock creatures – not a far distance. "What did you do to it?" he asked, suspicious.

She smiled. "Absolutely nothing," she declared.

He took the tray and dumped everything out of the window.

"Well, that was rude," sniffing, the red witch flounced out of his bedroom.

Magnus spent the rest of the day keeping an even closer eye on his replacement before going to sleep early. He gave the Angelic Buster stuffie – now somehow back to a normal size – to Velderoth as a reward-slash-apology of a sort for doing a half-decent job fake-holding Heliseum and because he had dumped the hot tea on the green-haired Nova's head in the morning while his apprentice was out training.

"At least it won't squish me anymore," he said to himself, tucking himself in. He would need something new to manly wrangle in his sleep now. Maybe a stuffed steak. He liked steak.

And then, just as he was about to drift off into sleep, he heard the most horrible thing ever. "I am Angelic Buster!" the nail-grating voice declared.

Magnus bolted upright in his bed. For a moment he was sure it was nothing but a nightmare – the doll was nowhere in sight – but then, a large, pudgy, fingerless hand made out of cloth grabbed the ledge of his window.

He screamed very girlishly as another pudgy cloth hand filled with stuffing grabbed the other ledge and pulled itself up. This time, the stuffie's eyes were bleeding. With sparkles.

"I will sit on you with the powers of justice and love!" it declared as it waddled over to his precious, handsome face.

* * *

_Wednesday_

"Would you like me to make you a sleep potion?"

"Will it stop stuffies from sitting on my face?"

Hilla didn't even bat an eye, or ask any questions in return. "No."

"Then _no_."

That night the Angelic Buster Stuffie of Doom (as he now called it) came in hand-in-hand with a Kaiser, who was plush and soft in all areas but his tail. Promptly, the two of them sat on his face and began to make out while he shouted muffled curses at them.

* * *

_Thursday_

When Hilla brought breakfast again, he grabbed the tea and threw it onto his face. "I think," he said aloud, "that I'm dreaming."

It was the only logical conclusion. The stuffies disappeared after every night, and only appeared in front of him when he was in bed.

And that meant that the girl – the Dream Manipulator – was the one responsible for this. For all of his suffering and his newly-developed fear of stuffed animals with weird proportions.

Perhaps there was more to her than her puny, weak appearance.

Hilla hit him with the breakfast tray. Hard. On his face.

Why did everyone attack his face?

_"What the hell was that for?!"_

"To wake you up," she said and dodged the nearest thing in his throwing distance (a pillow).

During the day, he nearly bit his tongue off in an attempt not to scream when he saw the Dream Manipulator carrying around – of all things – his old Angelic Buster stuffie hand-in-hand with the very same Kaiser doll from before.

They were smaller, of course, but his traumatized mind still reacted violently to the sight.

That night, the previous Kaiser joined in on the War on Magnus's Face. "True strength is not just in the sword," he yammered on all the while attacking his face with the tail, just like the new Kaiser was doing. "It is in protecting the weak, and fighting for your beliefs."

"You're dead," he snapped as his nose was thrashed several times.

This was starting to get annoying, but they were only dreams. He could last a week of bad dreams.

And then the new Kaiser and the Angelic Buster began to get even gropier in their make-out session.

_"You're not screwing each other on my face!"_

"But we have to," the Angelic Buster whined in the fake chalkboard voice as the new Kaiser began to remove his armour. "We have to stay with you forever!"

His blood ran cold.

"Hey sir," the new Kaiser said to his predecessor. "You should join in!"

"Perhaps I should," and the old Kaiser began to reach up to his precious helmet when Magnus woke up, bolted upright soaked in sweat and screamed in sheer terror.

Somewhere in Heliseum, Edea looked up frowning as she sat in her newly reclaimed Office of the Third Guardian. "Kids," she decided, and went back to paperwork.

* * *

_Friday_

The Dream Manipulator looked up as he stalked towards her. Or, she lifted her head. It was impossible to see her eyes under her hair. ". . . Hello," she said when he was looming over her.

Either she was sleep-talking or awake. "Here," he said, shoving a seal of Darmoor at her.

She took it, and having confirmed that she had proof of being under Darmoor, he stormed back up into his room and curled up under the covers. The next day, he'd have to go to the Maple World again for the first time in some length of time (he had no intention of doing the math) to help his former co-workers in Hekaton or something, but his sanity and his dream-self's face was far too precious. If letting the girl stay in Grandis where nothing was really being done was the solution, then so be it.

And luckily, his sleep had no dreams.

* * *

A/N: And _that_ is why Magnus fights in the Commander Invasion thing while the Dream Manipulator does not.


End file.
